A strange thing happens somewhere along the path. As you head into deeper water spiritually, you begin to realize that you're really not so enlightened after all. As Bono says, "the more you see the less you know". Satori, insight, self-realization, all sound great in theory, but getting there can be pretty messy.
As you grow in the practice of awareness, all your faults and failures, locked away for so long in the depths of your psyche, begin to surface. You begin to learn that the practice of wisdom, discernment, non-attachment, whatever you want to call it, are an essential companion to awareness, for without it, the darkness can swallow you in its depth.
Recently, my own faults, and in particular the harm that I have visited on others, have visited me at transitional moments during the day. Particularly, during the quiet hours of the night they show up, transforming into the figurative wrathful deities of Tibetan lore, primal fear and anxiety staring me back in the face, mockingly. In truth, they are an aspect of my own face, my own projections, on which I am gazing.
Memories of other beings I have hurt along the way appear, scenes of the pain and suffering I have dealt, such that I can feel them vividly, as though seeing the experience through the eyes of the other. And, in truth, I am the other. Practice brings about the realization that the separation we experience is a lie, or at best an illusion, and that all existence is in truth, a seamless oneness.
So, perhaps what I am experiencing is insightful, in that I am learning to recognize the interconnection of all experiences. But it is also painful, as I recognize that the suffering I have laid on others, has in reality generated this load of karma for myself, which will have to be dissipated in some way to ever move beyond it.
I awake from turbulent dreams, wondering if I may have inflicted deep pain, or even death on others in previous incarnations. It is here that Pema Chodron says we must experience the feeling while letting go of the conditioned aspects of our response: "acknowledge the feeling, give it your full, compassionate, even welcoming attention, and even if it’s only for a few seconds, drop the story line".
This is not such an easy thing. The tendency toward self-punishment for our perceived failings is ultimately just another way of perpetuating the illusion of the ego body. Yes, I should recognize the reality of the pain and suffering I have inflicted, that I may identify with others, and not to increase my own suffering, but for the end goal of healing and transformation.
In the Mahayana (great vehicle) tradition, this is where compassion comes in. We recognize the suffering, but we also recognize the emptiness of all phenomena, and that clinging to it only generates more of the suffering that we want to be free of.
And so we begin to generate compassion. Compassion for those we have hurt, but also compassion for ourselves. And most profoundly in terms of healing, compassion must go with us into those memories to affect the dissipation of karma toward all involved.
The blissful, easy experiences are great, but as Ms. Chodron points out so eloquently, they are not primarily where our liberation is accomplished. It is by going into the darkness and fear and feeling it with an open, compassionate heart that we are able to integrate all experience, find healing and liberation.
Namasté.
As you grow in the practice of awareness, all your faults and failures, locked away for so long in the depths of your psyche, begin to surface. You begin to learn that the practice of wisdom, discernment, non-attachment, whatever you want to call it, are an essential companion to awareness, for without it, the darkness can swallow you in its depth.
Recently, my own faults, and in particular the harm that I have visited on others, have visited me at transitional moments during the day. Particularly, during the quiet hours of the night they show up, transforming into the figurative wrathful deities of Tibetan lore, primal fear and anxiety staring me back in the face, mockingly. In truth, they are an aspect of my own face, my own projections, on which I am gazing.
Memories of other beings I have hurt along the way appear, scenes of the pain and suffering I have dealt, such that I can feel them vividly, as though seeing the experience through the eyes of the other. And, in truth, I am the other. Practice brings about the realization that the separation we experience is a lie, or at best an illusion, and that all existence is in truth, a seamless oneness.
So, perhaps what I am experiencing is insightful, in that I am learning to recognize the interconnection of all experiences. But it is also painful, as I recognize that the suffering I have laid on others, has in reality generated this load of karma for myself, which will have to be dissipated in some way to ever move beyond it.
I awake from turbulent dreams, wondering if I may have inflicted deep pain, or even death on others in previous incarnations. It is here that Pema Chodron says we must experience the feeling while letting go of the conditioned aspects of our response: "acknowledge the feeling, give it your full, compassionate, even welcoming attention, and even if it’s only for a few seconds, drop the story line".
This is not such an easy thing. The tendency toward self-punishment for our perceived failings is ultimately just another way of perpetuating the illusion of the ego body. Yes, I should recognize the reality of the pain and suffering I have inflicted, that I may identify with others, and not to increase my own suffering, but for the end goal of healing and transformation.
In the Mahayana (great vehicle) tradition, this is where compassion comes in. We recognize the suffering, but we also recognize the emptiness of all phenomena, and that clinging to it only generates more of the suffering that we want to be free of.
And so we begin to generate compassion. Compassion for those we have hurt, but also compassion for ourselves. And most profoundly in terms of healing, compassion must go with us into those memories to affect the dissipation of karma toward all involved.
The blissful, easy experiences are great, but as Ms. Chodron points out so eloquently, they are not primarily where our liberation is accomplished. It is by going into the darkness and fear and feeling it with an open, compassionate heart that we are able to integrate all experience, find healing and liberation.
Namasté.
